A Deeper Sadness, a Greater Joy.

Sadness is something that I've never really examined in my life. I've always been ashamed of it -as if only I were a stronger person I wouldn't feel sad, which is completely ridiculous, but that's how I (sort of unconsciously) have always felt. As I actually started to examine sadness in myself I realized that 1. I had been wrong. and 2. I had been wrong because denying sadness is denying part of what it means to be human. Excessive sadness is never good, obviously it indicates depression. But to never allow yourself to recognize sadness isn't healthy either, and incidentally another way to depression. At least in what I have found, denying sadness is lying to yourself, which leads to other lies to the people around you. These lies weren't me explicitly telling someone something that was false. It was more me intending to deceive those around me by acting as though I wasn't sad. I know a lot of people handle sadness better than I am right now, I still have to find the balance of sharing the burden of my sadness and bearing what I need to bear myself.

Since examining myself and my sadness I have not actually experienced more sadness per se, but more of a deeper sadness. What I have experienced, not shockingly, kind of helps explain why I was reluctant to examine this part of my life in the first place. When I get sad, I get really, really sad. For a long time I just thought this was my own weakness. Now I know it's actually a gift. There are always two parts to my sadness; my sadness over the event(s) that have occurred, and my sadness over the knowledge that people were not originally intended to be sad, that I can see God had intended better things for us. Now, I'm not saying I've achieved beatific vision and I know God's mind therefore I weep in deep sadness as some of the saints have done, but I do feel like this was a gift given to me- probably for a lot of purposes that I don't even know about/ realize. In fact I can only think of one thing that is a benefit, but it is by no means a small thing.
I feel like this deep sadness enables me to more fully appreciate the things that are ordered by God here on earth. I might be deeply sad over a family crisis but when I go to mass and see how God has ordered things so perfectly for our benefit I cannot help feeling an even greater joy than my sadness is deep. This may be wrong, but I can't help hoping and praying that my sadness deepens even more so that I can have a fuller joy.
I'm a simple sort of person, I'm not dazzlingly intelligent or witty, but I know when God gives you a gift you should have the courage to recognize it so that it can benefit you and others in the way He wanted it to. Having been one of the people who didn't recognize her gift for years, I can tell you without doubt that the benefits are worth it.

Getting Some Different Attitudes

I have always recoiled at the phrase "getting some." Occasionally I'll be watching a TV show or movie that has (usually) a guy talking about "getting some" or how he "got some last night." The phrase just rings like a dissonant chord in my soul. I find this particular phrase horrible for two, no three reasons.

1. Talking about your sexual exploits is tactless, demeaning to the woman and, frankly, wrong. That is an extremely special thing you're talking about. Not the game of hockey you played really well and won, not an awesome dinner your mom cooked for you- it is the ultimate act of love and self-giving. Treat it how it deserves to be treated.

2. The implication in the phrase "got some" is that the other person did the giving. So it's not that you gave or were expecting to give yourself wholly to another person so much as you were expecting that other person to do just that for you, just unreciprocated. Doesn't this seem unfair? Another thing, you'll notice that it is rarely (code for "never") married couples on TV who talk about this "getting some" business. What does that tell you? (Yes, I'm really asking you. I honestly only have one idea. Which I will now expound upon.) Maybe it's that where there is truthful love, or even a glimpse of it, the couple has realized that sex is about giving yourself and not about taking from the other person. Just sayin'.

3. I have never heard innuendo and thought, "Hey, that was cool and funny!" Innuendo= just not right.

Whoo. I feel a lot better. I heard that phrase the other day and just about gagged. You know, like how you do when you're trying to swallow something with a really bad texture like oatmeal or jello or a huge pill? Yep, it was like I was trying to swallow all three at the same time. Venting is good. Yay. Ok.

Farewell, my good man.

Keep a faithful watch and be vigilant.

1am Means it's Friday, Right?

Quick-ish takes.

1. I love the way snow looks when it's illuminated by streetlights. Twirling beauties that would otherwise fall shrouded in darkness dance in the spotlight. Each little flake, so unknown to the world before this, shows her face and gives it everything. A graceful pas de mille.

2. My boyfriend just joined my church's choir. We had our first rehearsal tonight and when I was looking around, as I usually during rehearsal, I kept saying to myself, "Who is the cute new guy?...Oh, wait, that's Jeff." I seriously did it like three times.

3. I get to sleep in tomorrow (today?) ! It's exciting. I've been waking up weekday mornings to babysit my niece and nephew. But tomorrow (no really? is it today?) is one of my days "off." Although, I have to say, it is pretty nice to spend the morning times with the kids- they're always wayyy more cheerful than in the evenings. Plus, picking up a two year old out of his crib when he's all sleepy and snuggles you is extremely gratifying.

4. I made a bunch of earrings to give to the girls who are hosting me when I go to Florida next week. They're pretty pretty. Right now they're on my desk so that I can try and figure out what to box them in. Any suggestions? I have five pairs.

5. The twinkle lights are still up in my room. I have no plans to take them down. You will have to physically fight me (and win) before they come down. Who says pretty lights are just for Christmas time?

6. Someone was braking on the on-ramp to the highway today. I didn't know what to do, they were going like 20mph and braking. Thankfully it was 12:30am and no one was on the road really so I had a huge break in traffic to pass them and speed up. It was a little slippery so I drove about 20mph under the speed limit but when I got to my exit there was another car on the off ramp going 15mph!! This ramp was clear of snow/ice and I was just so confused as to why this person was going so slowly. Maybe they had a disability or something. Or, snow makes people crazy.

7. I got a card from my Nana today. I love getting letters from her, they're always so sweet and thoughtful. But they always make me more painfully aware of how little I know my dad's side of the family. I wish I knew them better.

When I was a child I always thought of pregnant women as mute. In my adolescent mind a woman carrying something so sacred was surrounded by a sacred silence of her own. Now, obviously this is insane- "Do you think she's having contractions?" "I don't know, she can't say."- pregnant women need to be able to communicate, maybe even more so than other people. And I had seen and talked to pregnant women, but that image still remained- it sometimes comes back even to this day.
As I was thinking about it more I came to realize that birth is the most marvelous thing about life. I know, you're thinking "Uh, duh." but I just catch on a little late is all. I have to confess that I'm a marveler. I'm "that guy," the one that weirds her sister out by getting a little too excited about a summer rainstorm. I'm the one who stops to smell, well, anything. So when you combine those two things, the fact that, even as a child, I somehow knew the most wonderful thing about life was birth, and my tendency to marvel at all things God-made, you get a twenty-year-old who still sometimes thinks of pregnant women as ensconced in a sacred silence.

"In the silence of the stable there was wisdom finally heard."

An Angry Advent?

As I've gotten older, and more into liturgical seasons, Advent has become more important to me. Each week the readings at mass are more significant to me personally, and reflecting on them becomes more pleasurable and anticipatory. That being said, I have a confession to make. I have secretly started to become increasingly angry at the secular world for their "Merry Christmas" signs, the fact that they start playing Faith Hill's version of "O Holy Night" starting the day after Thanksgiving, and, most importantly, that they've made Christmas into a materialistic cash cow.

One particular day I was walking around frustrated that "Silent Night" had been playing on the radio when some combination of my conscience and my guardian angel chided me. I felt somewhat embarrassed and stopped. And as I thought about it more I realized being angry wasn't helping anyone (duh) and that I should actually feel sorry for the seculars.

My theory is that by making the Christmas season appear earlier than it should the secular world, on some level, has made us Catholics feel either guilty that we don't feel comfortable saying "Merry Christmas" back to the cashier at the store, or defensive and, subsequently, (at least on my part) angry. We don't say "Merry Christmas" on the first Sunday of Advent, we don't sing Christmas carols at mass, and so we're the weird ones, right? We need to get all uptight and shout loudly whenever we see a Christmas sign "PEOPLE, IT'S NOT CHRISTMAS YET!! TAKE THIS FREAKIN' SIGN DOWN!" Right?

Wrongo. The first thing we should do is continue practicing our faith. Let's check ourselves first and make sure we're doing everything as well as we can. Yes? Good? Ok next let's pray for the seculars. Yes, that's right! This is what I didn't understand until recently: because the secular world doesn't share in this time of reflection and anticipation neither can they share fully in the culmination of joy that is Christmas. Isn't that sad? Don't you just feel sorry for them? I do. For them Christmas is just a day when everyone happens to get together and give each other presents. For us, we few we happy few, Christmas is about CHRIST. We get to participate in the Christmas liturgy, we get to rejoice, Christ will be born on that day! Isn't it exciting?? I'm pumped, and ready to wait. Christ is worth waiting for.

"Maranatha is a cry of the heart

That's hopeful yet weary of waiting
While it may be joyful with the burdens it bears
It's sick with anticipating
To long for the Promised One day after day
And the promise that soon He'd return
It's certain that waiting's the most bitter lesson
A believing heart has to learn"

-Michael Card "Maranatha"

Lets Chat About Bumper Stickers

So, lately I've been seeing a lot of bumper stickers that make my day for various reasons. Inspired by David's post at the Petroni blog I have decided to tell the world about them!

Let's start off with a classic.

My highly cynical and mean side used to laugh hysterically when I saw these bumper stickers. You idiots. I laugh that you don't know the truth. Bwahahah. Really I should be compassionate, pray for them, and beg forgiveness for them when they're judged, so now these serve as little reminders. Ladies who have these stickers, I can't commend you enough, seriously. In your highly offensive and intolerant way you have just reminded me to pray for you. So, thanks, some good did come of your bumper sticker.

BAHAHHAHAH! Just sayin'. This one always makes me laugh, no matter how many times I see it. Although when I first saw it my laugh was kind of like "haha! that guy's dumb!" Now it's more like "hah...ahhaah....ahhhhhhh! That guy's ruining our country! *hyperventilation*."

Keeping in the political realm here is another one that, just wows me. I can't get over it.

Yuk, yuk, yuk!! SERIOUSLY! You're too stupid to know that you're AN idiot! An illiterate idiot! Please, try running the country with your 1.7 gpa. Let me know how it goes. And in the next election you might try this thing called "voting." You get to choose which person you want to be president! It's for real!

Ok, last political one, I swear.

Hee hee hee! Done! Done! Moving on.

Hiiiiilarious! Probably the best "honor student" variation I've seen. So funny.

Anyway! Those are all ones that I've seen or heard about, so I'm out of bumper stickers. You guys have any you want to share?

Anatomy of an Email.

So here's what's what...

Recently I realized that a) I need to post something funny, and 2) I have lost my funny.

Yes, this is the truth. I no longer possess the ability to be funny. Possibly it is due to the fact that I've started drinking my coffee black. There is nothing humorous about black coffee, so, in an effort to improve itself, it must have stolen my funny. No, I'm not bitter, (the coffee is, though) just disappointed- I expected more from my coffee.

(You see? Terrible, not funny at all.)

So I thought to myself, "Well, I still need to post something funny. What about one of those emails you sent to Miriel?" Miriel is my sister. Sometimes, in an effort to add some color to her day, I send her emails that are somewhat humorous. I hope by looking at this email and telling you it's working parts I can start to get my funny back. My comments are italicized. Here goes.

Dear Ye Olde Sister... Title must be humorous to attract immediate attention.

I am breaking Dave Barry's mandatory rule that anyone who puts and "e" at the end of a word unnecessarily has to pay $50,000 per use to the IRS. Please don't tell anyone. I don't think you're olde. In fact, you're youthful and beautiful and any man who sees you is a fool not to fall at your feet! (How DO you walk around?)

Excessive flattery in an email has a rate of return that is 9.86 times faster than a regular email. True fact. Nope, just kidding, made that one up.

So I was just dropping you this...drop...this uhh...thing-a-ma-jig...email?

No idea. In retrospect this was not funny at all.

Yes, this is an email. Check. To see if you were uhh...doing alright. Yes, check. I'm sorry, it's just that we haven't talked in so long that I'm having trouble remembering your middle name.

A humorous little something that can't possibly be true adds depth.

I remember you last name because it's the same as our sisters': Gosher. Yep.

Also not true.

(Minnesota accent) Everyone loves a good Minnesota accent. ...Shut up, yes you do.
So ah, I really miss yeh, to say the least. I cried whilst perusing yer blog because I miss yeh so much. Now ah, I mean, I do cry easy, but don't let that getcha down. I done did that cryin' all fer yeh.

In all seriousness, I am almost depressed enough to drink away my troubles with the bottle of black fig vinegar that is sitting on the windowsill right now. I'm sure there's barely enough alcohol left in it to get a mouse drunk (a drunk mouse! haha!) but it would for sure make me throw up. Which is...exactly the opposite of what I want. Huh. Ok. I need to get some depression lessons.

We need to talk soon. For cereal. Or, we could just start an enormous email chain. Whaddaya think?

Leven'smooches from your youngest yet, ironically, biggest sister,
No, people this does not mean "Eleven Smooches." Do you see an apostrophe before it? No! Therefore it means what it sounds like, which is "Love and smooches" gosh.

TIRIRNNENNNENE

This type of signature is more likely to make the reader laugh and feel compelled to email back immediately. Brilliant, no?

Hm. Still not funny. I'll let you know when I find my funny again. Do you have any suggestions/ideas for getting it back? I need it soon, Thanksgiving is coming up!! And then Christmas. If I don't have it back by then, I might have to have myself committed. And, as much as you all want that to happen, my nephew would miss me. He's only almost two, have pity.