The Post About Nothing.

When I think about writing here, I never know what to say. If something funny comes to me, I'll write it but other than that- because I have no training or real ability- I'm at a loss. Other people's writing seems to just flow out of them like an unstoppable stream, they've really got things to say, whereas I might feel things acutely but have no idea how to convert them into language. As for actually thinking things through to say, well, I'm very bad at that. I just blurt out what I feel when it comes to my mouth as words. That's weird, right? The same is true here with my fingers. And even still I find that I can get to the end of a paragraph without having said anything. It must be some sort of quirk. I hate that I talk but don't say anything. (Maybe I should just give myself over to melodrama now. :-P) Ironic that I've now written ten sentences about how I have nothing to say. Well, anyway, thanks for listening to nothing.

Ode to the Spirit

Whither away spirit?
Dost thou leave in contempt?
Dost thou love me still?
But aye, the mere asking
Reveals mine mortal sickness
The death of truths when
I bid them enter

Fie and death spoken so earnest and gentle
My mind and soul at war
Yet shall I never know which be
The traitorous villain or the king.

The plight of men is thus;
The struggle betwixt sin and truth
Shows an ugly face
so much that in the struggle
one cannot see which is right.

It is you, Spirit, who reveals
the true champion
which mind defy or soul condemn
shall be my spouse all days
I bid thee, enter and bring me life.

A Deeper Sadness, a Greater Joy.

Sadness is something that I've never really examined in my life. I've always been ashamed of it -as if only I were a stronger person I wouldn't feel sad, which is completely ridiculous, but that's how I (sort of unconsciously) have always felt. As I actually started to examine sadness in myself I realized that 1. I had been wrong. and 2. I had been wrong because denying sadness is denying part of what it means to be human. Excessive sadness is never good, obviously it indicates depression. But to never allow yourself to recognize sadness isn't healthy either, and incidentally another way to depression. At least in what I have found, denying sadness is lying to yourself, which leads to other lies to the people around you. These lies weren't me explicitly telling someone something that was false. It was more me intending to deceive those around me by acting as though I wasn't sad. I know a lot of people handle sadness better than I am right now, I still have to find the balance of sharing the burden of my sadness and bearing what I need to bear myself.

Since examining myself and my sadness I have not actually experienced more sadness per se, but more of a deeper sadness. What I have experienced, not shockingly, kind of helps explain why I was reluctant to examine this part of my life in the first place. When I get sad, I get really, really sad. For a long time I just thought this was my own weakness. Now I know it's actually a gift. There are always two parts to my sadness; my sadness over the event(s) that have occurred, and my sadness over the knowledge that people were not originally intended to be sad, that I can see God had intended better things for us. Now, I'm not saying I've achieved beatific vision and I know God's mind therefore I weep in deep sadness as some of the saints have done, but I do feel like this was a gift given to me- probably for a lot of purposes that I don't even know about/ realize. In fact I can only think of one thing that is a benefit, but it is by no means a small thing.
I feel like this deep sadness enables me to more fully appreciate the things that are ordered by God here on earth. I might be deeply sad over a family crisis but when I go to mass and see how God has ordered things so perfectly for our benefit I cannot help feeling an even greater joy than my sadness is deep. This may be wrong, but I can't help hoping and praying that my sadness deepens even more so that I can have a fuller joy.
I'm a simple sort of person, I'm not dazzlingly intelligent or witty, but I know when God gives you a gift you should have the courage to recognize it so that it can benefit you and others in the way He wanted it to. Having been one of the people who didn't recognize her gift for years, I can tell you without doubt that the benefits are worth it.

Getting Some Different Attitudes

I have always recoiled at the phrase "getting some." Occasionally I'll be watching a TV show or movie that has (usually) a guy talking about "getting some" or how he "got some last night." The phrase just rings like a dissonant chord in my soul. I find this particular phrase horrible for two, no three reasons.

1. Talking about your sexual exploits is tactless, demeaning to the woman and, frankly, wrong. That is an extremely special thing you're talking about. Not the game of hockey you played really well and won, not an awesome dinner your mom cooked for you- it is the ultimate act of love and self-giving. Treat it how it deserves to be treated.

2. The implication in the phrase "got some" is that the other person did the giving. So it's not that you gave or were expecting to give yourself wholly to another person so much as you were expecting that other person to do just that for you, just unreciprocated. Doesn't this seem unfair? Another thing, you'll notice that it is rarely (code for "never") married couples on TV who talk about this "getting some" business. What does that tell you? (Yes, I'm really asking you. I honestly only have one idea. Which I will now expound upon.) Maybe it's that where there is truthful love, or even a glimpse of it, the couple has realized that sex is about giving yourself and not about taking from the other person. Just sayin'.

3. I have never heard innuendo and thought, "Hey, that was cool and funny!" Innuendo= just not right.

Whoo. I feel a lot better. I heard that phrase the other day and just about gagged. You know, like how you do when you're trying to swallow something with a really bad texture like oatmeal or jello or a huge pill? Yep, it was like I was trying to swallow all three at the same time. Venting is good. Yay. Ok.

Farewell, my good man.

Keep a faithful watch and be vigilant.

1am Means it's Friday, Right?

Quick-ish takes.

1. I love the way snow looks when it's illuminated by streetlights. Twirling beauties that would otherwise fall shrouded in darkness dance in the spotlight. Each little flake, so unknown to the world before this, shows her face and gives it everything. A graceful pas de mille.

2. My boyfriend just joined my church's choir. We had our first rehearsal tonight and when I was looking around, as I usually during rehearsal, I kept saying to myself, "Who is the cute new guy?...Oh, wait, that's Jeff." I seriously did it like three times.

3. I get to sleep in tomorrow (today?) ! It's exciting. I've been waking up weekday mornings to babysit my niece and nephew. But tomorrow (no really? is it today?) is one of my days "off." Although, I have to say, it is pretty nice to spend the morning times with the kids- they're always wayyy more cheerful than in the evenings. Plus, picking up a two year old out of his crib when he's all sleepy and snuggles you is extremely gratifying.

4. I made a bunch of earrings to give to the girls who are hosting me when I go to Florida next week. They're pretty pretty. Right now they're on my desk so that I can try and figure out what to box them in. Any suggestions? I have five pairs.

5. The twinkle lights are still up in my room. I have no plans to take them down. You will have to physically fight me (and win) before they come down. Who says pretty lights are just for Christmas time?

6. Someone was braking on the on-ramp to the highway today. I didn't know what to do, they were going like 20mph and braking. Thankfully it was 12:30am and no one was on the road really so I had a huge break in traffic to pass them and speed up. It was a little slippery so I drove about 20mph under the speed limit but when I got to my exit there was another car on the off ramp going 15mph!! This ramp was clear of snow/ice and I was just so confused as to why this person was going so slowly. Maybe they had a disability or something. Or, snow makes people crazy.

7. I got a card from my Nana today. I love getting letters from her, they're always so sweet and thoughtful. But they always make me more painfully aware of how little I know my dad's side of the family. I wish I knew them better.

When I was a child I always thought of pregnant women as mute. In my adolescent mind a woman carrying something so sacred was surrounded by a sacred silence of her own. Now, obviously this is insane- "Do you think she's having contractions?" "I don't know, she can't say."- pregnant women need to be able to communicate, maybe even more so than other people. And I had seen and talked to pregnant women, but that image still remained- it sometimes comes back even to this day.
As I was thinking about it more I came to realize that birth is the most marvelous thing about life. I know, you're thinking "Uh, duh." but I just catch on a little late is all. I have to confess that I'm a marveler. I'm "that guy," the one that weirds her sister out by getting a little too excited about a summer rainstorm. I'm the one who stops to smell, well, anything. So when you combine those two things, the fact that, even as a child, I somehow knew the most wonderful thing about life was birth, and my tendency to marvel at all things God-made, you get a twenty-year-old who still sometimes thinks of pregnant women as ensconced in a sacred silence.

"In the silence of the stable there was wisdom finally heard."