A Deeper Sadness, a Greater Joy.

Sadness is something that I've never really examined in my life. I've always been ashamed of it -as if only I were a stronger person I wouldn't feel sad, which is completely ridiculous, but that's how I (sort of unconsciously) have always felt. As I actually started to examine sadness in myself I realized that 1. I had been wrong. and 2. I had been wrong because denying sadness is denying part of what it means to be human. Excessive sadness is never good, obviously it indicates depression. But to never allow yourself to recognize sadness isn't healthy either, and incidentally another way to depression. At least in what I have found, denying sadness is lying to yourself, which leads to other lies to the people around you. These lies weren't me explicitly telling someone something that was false. It was more me intending to deceive those around me by acting as though I wasn't sad. I know a lot of people handle sadness better than I am right now, I still have to find the balance of sharing the burden of my sadness and bearing what I need to bear myself.

Since examining myself and my sadness I have not actually experienced more sadness per se, but more of a deeper sadness. What I have experienced, not shockingly, kind of helps explain why I was reluctant to examine this part of my life in the first place. When I get sad, I get really, really sad. For a long time I just thought this was my own weakness. Now I know it's actually a gift. There are always two parts to my sadness; my sadness over the event(s) that have occurred, and my sadness over the knowledge that people were not originally intended to be sad, that I can see God had intended better things for us. Now, I'm not saying I've achieved beatific vision and I know God's mind therefore I weep in deep sadness as some of the saints have done, but I do feel like this was a gift given to me- probably for a lot of purposes that I don't even know about/ realize. In fact I can only think of one thing that is a benefit, but it is by no means a small thing.
I feel like this deep sadness enables me to more fully appreciate the things that are ordered by God here on earth. I might be deeply sad over a family crisis but when I go to mass and see how God has ordered things so perfectly for our benefit I cannot help feeling an even greater joy than my sadness is deep. This may be wrong, but I can't help hoping and praying that my sadness deepens even more so that I can have a fuller joy.
I'm a simple sort of person, I'm not dazzlingly intelligent or witty, but I know when God gives you a gift you should have the courage to recognize it so that it can benefit you and others in the way He wanted it to. Having been one of the people who didn't recognize her gift for years, I can tell you without doubt that the benefits are worth it.