Anatomy of an Email.

So here's what's what...

Recently I realized that a) I need to post something funny, and 2) I have lost my funny.

Yes, this is the truth. I no longer possess the ability to be funny. Possibly it is due to the fact that I've started drinking my coffee black. There is nothing humorous about black coffee, so, in an effort to improve itself, it must have stolen my funny. No, I'm not bitter, (the coffee is, though) just disappointed- I expected more from my coffee.

(You see? Terrible, not funny at all.)

So I thought to myself, "Well, I still need to post something funny. What about one of those emails you sent to Miriel?" Miriel is my sister. Sometimes, in an effort to add some color to her day, I send her emails that are somewhat humorous. I hope by looking at this email and telling you it's working parts I can start to get my funny back. My comments are italicized. Here goes.

Dear Ye Olde Sister... Title must be humorous to attract immediate attention.

I am breaking Dave Barry's mandatory rule that anyone who puts and "e" at the end of a word unnecessarily has to pay $50,000 per use to the IRS. Please don't tell anyone. I don't think you're olde. In fact, you're youthful and beautiful and any man who sees you is a fool not to fall at your feet! (How DO you walk around?)

Excessive flattery in an email has a rate of return that is 9.86 times faster than a regular email. True fact. Nope, just kidding, made that one up.

So I was just dropping you this...drop...this uhh...thing-a-ma-jig...email?

No idea. In retrospect this was not funny at all.

Yes, this is an email. Check. To see if you were uhh...doing alright. Yes, check. I'm sorry, it's just that we haven't talked in so long that I'm having trouble remembering your middle name.

A humorous little something that can't possibly be true adds depth.

I remember you last name because it's the same as our sisters': Gosher. Yep.

Also not true.

(Minnesota accent) Everyone loves a good Minnesota accent. ...Shut up, yes you do.
So ah, I really miss yeh, to say the least. I cried whilst perusing yer blog because I miss yeh so much. Now ah, I mean, I do cry easy, but don't let that getcha down. I done did that cryin' all fer yeh.

In all seriousness, I am almost depressed enough to drink away my troubles with the bottle of black fig vinegar that is sitting on the windowsill right now. I'm sure there's barely enough alcohol left in it to get a mouse drunk (a drunk mouse! haha!) but it would for sure make me throw up. Which is...exactly the opposite of what I want. Huh. Ok. I need to get some depression lessons.

We need to talk soon. For cereal. Or, we could just start an enormous email chain. Whaddaya think?

Leven'smooches from your youngest yet, ironically, biggest sister,
No, people this does not mean "Eleven Smooches." Do you see an apostrophe before it? No! Therefore it means what it sounds like, which is "Love and smooches" gosh.

TIRIRNNENNNENE

This type of signature is more likely to make the reader laugh and feel compelled to email back immediately. Brilliant, no?

Hm. Still not funny. I'll let you know when I find my funny again. Do you have any suggestions/ideas for getting it back? I need it soon, Thanksgiving is coming up!! And then Christmas. If I don't have it back by then, I might have to have myself committed. And, as much as you all want that to happen, my nephew would miss me. He's only almost two, have pity.